whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
