My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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