the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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