Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize