my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
