Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
