the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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