btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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