So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
