My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize