allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
