He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
