He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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