The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
