How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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