friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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