god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she was so not down for the gang bang
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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