please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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