Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
