My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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