smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Where did you get a picture of my penis
My hand turned me down
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
