when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
