mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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