YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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