I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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