Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
