If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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