Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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