So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
