The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
