so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
