I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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