I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
