Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
