Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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