Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
