And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
