Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
