Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
