Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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