Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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