Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
