I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
