Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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