I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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