Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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