That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
