All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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