i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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