Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
