I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
