Heybabeimwearingurpanties
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
