Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
