all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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