i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
