We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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