I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
