I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she smelled like a LAN party
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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