Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
