You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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