im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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