remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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